valkyrie16's Blog

I don't know what to do...

The very first time in my blog here in my experience project account that iam unsure of whats happening with me. Am i suffering from depression? i dont even know! I'm feeling uninspired. I will always find myself smoking in my room, staring at my room ceiling, unproductive, feeling alone, and sometimes i just start to cry. I live alone in a foreign land, with no family here. Altho I have been living here for almost 3 years i find it hard to suddenly living by myself. I used to have my roomates, but since im always having isssues living with random people i decide getting a room by myself. I have a gf who's living 6000 miles away from me. She visited me last march, went back to england after a month, but then i told her im getting sad without her and we miss each other so much so she decided to come back and spent 2 months with me... she went back to england 2 weeks ago. But after that i find it hard to do anything. i felt like empty, even tho i know there are people who loves me which i couldnt feel, and even tho i know someone from 6000 miles cares and loves me i find it hard to live my life. I wake up in the morning dragging myself to work. last week i called in sick for like 2 days. so i had a long weekend but still this morning, was the same feeling. I'm feeling like there's a hole inside me, I walked on the same streets, rode the same train, waited for the same bus stop.... and everyday of my life i dont see the point of being here..... How could I even be happy? I probably dont deserve to be happy, without anyone caring..... i always feel alone... eating alone in my room. watching something and wishing to be happy one day. all i have is my cigs. the smoke in my room, the coffe im drinking in that same cup. the work thats starting to pile up. could somebody help me?!!



Hopeful thoughts + trust + commitment = keeps a long distance relationship last. Discontentment will make it even more harder, you can't even hold her/be with her physically and we tend to look for it with ppl closer to us. The hardest part is wishing you were with your special someone just to let her know how important she is in your life.. But we end up staring out the window cuz we just can't. Words aren't enough to prove to someone we really love them and we humans will always want something real. How much a "HUG" can affect a person's life? -Holding a hug for an extended time lifts one's serotonin levels, elevating mood and creating happiness- scientifically it does have an effect. Emotionally the nurturing touch of a hug builds trust and a sense of safety that helps with open and honest communication. It's because we humans basically has physical and emotional needs.. Logically, a good relationship should have a good foundation..It takes time to build this foundation, and it doesn't come over night. How can you make a good foundation if you're apart??? Long distance relationship has alot of disadvantages and only those who are tough enough will be willing to get into this kind of love. Yes, It could be tiring on both parties but right from the start they should have been aware of the consequences either good or bad. There's no perfect relationship, even the best relationships don't feel good all of the time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder,.. but wut if the absence will make both of your worlds less complicated and alot easier to move? its a matter of choice... should you "hold on" or "let go"...But LOVE... it does exist. and i will always believe it does. We always look at how bad we've been wounded when we love... but we never realized how much we've sacrificed and win over trials to make the relationship work. Love is a give & take relationship, it is the willingness to share your life with someone whether the wind is blowing good or bad. Choose the path that will make your heart happy, and if not.. then it's time to let go...


Life could be easy but we tend to complicate it. Those simple life decisions that are meant to make us bolder and wiser, but we choose to take the silliest one. We end up sitting on a blanc space and caught up in the middle of unknown track. Searching for someone who can totally understand us, expecting people we have now will stay all through out the way but the saddest part is... they will step back and leave you. When you have given all you got and its not even enough for them. They take you when life is happy, fruitful and less complicated. And when you have given them your everything, they'll just shut the door and bid farewell. Just one snap.

On the other hand, we give up to people who are willing to love us. Human are selfish, we always do. We don't see this small good things a person did for you to make you feel loved, happy, appreciated, important. But we push them away. Selfishness will always be a relationship killer. You love because you're willing to share your life to someone, to sacrifice to make them happy, be with them through any F*ck this life would give you. Instead, we always choose our own happiness... What's the real happiness? Iam also asking the same question to myself. I dont even know how can a person can be contented. I dont even know how I can make a person happy even when i'm doing i think is best. The saddest part of life, is when you truly love and that person suddenly realized she/he doesnt love you as much as she/he think have felt. LOVE is BULLSH*TTT... (im sorry for the word) I used to believe in love... But a heartbreak after another killed me.

When I'm finally ready., the person I love suddenly turned her back on me. It's the most hurting feeling in my life.... I don't really know the feeling because it was me who will always leave. I guess she's my karma, and the gods above me is making me pay back what I have done before. I'm not a perfect person, I just wanna make this person feel loved and happy.... i just wanna feel to be loved back.. Knowing someone is willing to listen and always be there every end of the day. A person who would be willing to listen to every little detail of my life, who would never get sick of me. who would shout at me and tell me she loves me and then hug me everytime we have an argument.. The person i could  laugh with endlessly. Who I can spend my every morning over a cup of coffee and cuddle up & have a nice dinner at the end of the day.... & Watch over the moonlight, cuddling til i fall asleep... I guess, its just a dream...


Mind Over Matter

It's Saturday, and its the 3rd day of my long weekend without work. Its totally a waste of time for me, cuz I dont know wut to do with my life the whole looong holiday. I locked myself in the room, listening to music and doing non-sense stuff. How can I divert my mind to something... I just can't.. I'm always trying the "mind over matter" technique to forget something but it wont let me. All the while I thought this wont happen to me again.. I thought im already o.k that i dont cry during those past few days. but Iam now... It's so stupid of me to promise myself that can't even keep. Last night i played this song in my ears and God.... only Him who knows how soaking my pillows were cuz of my tears... I listened to that song and look at those pics i edited for her.. those eyes, her lips, her pretty face, and those smiles... it breaks my heart even more. and seeing those picture of us being together wont come true... I've been wanting to message her but everytime i start typing something i will delete it back and I would think if i did send it, it wont bring us any good especially with moving on.. The past two nights wasnt good for me, I cant even sleep.. or i will sleep at 5am. and wake up at 11am...and when I wake up its still her I think about.. if she's already awake too, if she had taken her breakfast, if wut's her currently doing, if she's ok? if she's feeling sick or wut.. God! its like a tortureee!!! I wanna get out of my house, run as fast as I could and scream at the top of my lungs... and how i wish this heart of mine never learned how to love, not to fall so hard. This love has always been such a fantasy for me, well in fact in the end i know i can never make this person happy cuz of my complications.

I still have all of your pictures with me, your messages since from the start. those sms that we were sending each other when i went back home & i didnt had my internet connection. Those voice messages u sent me which I still listen to. I love you, i still do,.. How can i ever forget you.. nobody can ever replace u... like I always say to u... and even if i meet another person, nobody could ever love me the way u did for me.. I lost a sister, a buddy, a best friend, a companion, a girlfriend,... a lover. Its like im digging a grave for myself right now, how awful it is to write something like this,.. Its like im pulling my heart out of my body, and even if i did my heart still beats for u. I dont know wut to do right now... I just can't move on... even tho i laugh, and it seems that iam ok, even tho i say things that makes me look iam moving on and im alright. I can just simply tell you now that iam not!... im not ok! idk how long i will hold on to this feeling... i just cant.


Letting Go

Almost 4 moths had passed, I forgot how to blog... I realized, I only blog when i feel sad, upset, depressed and broken hearted.. blogging helps me a lot to move on... Its like I'm Imprinting the footsteps from the journey of past. Again and again, I get the same feeling. But it's always the start that will make u soar high & fall so deep to a person. It has been the happiest 6 months of my les life... How can I forget the sweetest & the purest moment I had ever felt with a girl. Despite our age difference, contrasting interest, opposing personalities, we both worked it out to fill in something that we both lacked. We gave up a lot of times or should i say I did gave up on us, but still I will found myself running back to her... I have done my best, I always want her happy and pleasing her... But i decided to let her go... We are just hurting each other so much, and I don't wanna make her cry no more. I must accept it this time that there's no more US anymore. Now im alone on this life's journey. Im tired, so tired... I can't do it anymore. Life has been tough for me for almost a year now. Even tho I love her so much & as much as i wanna stay with her, i decided not to. She's young and she will find more people along her journey. I must let go cuz i cannot give her the happiness she deserves. She's a wonderful girl and lovable person that I can never forget. We had plans, but i needed to let go of those too together with my love for her. And so now, my story ends "from lovers to stangers" again... I'm letting you go my Babie Girl, and if one day you get to read this,  i want you to know that it took me a million thinking, million hesitations, million what ifs, million tears and i needed to swallow everything while i was turning my back on you.. I'm sorry i gave up on us, Im sorry i left you alone... im sorry i need to let you go


Frendship Lost

U might win some but U really lost one.

When it's all done did you really gain from wut U've done?

It's so silly how come?

How I Hate it now

I'm having a bad feeling im loosing it.... I better pack my excess baggage... I no longer in the right place & should be in the right place where i truly belong...

or I will hurt too much again... :-| .. idk wut to feel O.O... I just don't want the same feeling I had before, the kind of feeling that I can't explain... & I just want to close my eyes & erase it in my head.. pretend i don't care, pretend everything is fine!! D; ... I want this feeling be gone!

Wishful Thinking

I wish I met you 5 years ago
I wish I was there to change the course of fate
I wish I was there to rob you from all the stupid decisions u had
I wish we were born on the same country, same place so I get to be with u always
I wish I get to hear your voice everyday
I wish I can hug you every night before we sleep
I wish  you sing me a song everyday :D
I wish I am always making you smile & laugh whenever i say silly things
I wish I am making you happy to all the visuals i was sending you about how I feel for you
I wish I can be with you to all the pains you are going through right now
I wish I can make it all go away
I wish I can do more for you

I'm so sorry I'm late.... But I promise I won't give up....

Killing me softly

I went home really late last night cuz i needed to finish some work deadlines.. My job kinda sucks as clients are so demanding that I don't have a control over it.. But it's a nice feeling that when u get home someone is waiting for you & wanting to talk to you even when it's really late. We live from a distance but I can feel she loves me. She waited for me even tho she told me she was so sleepy. I told her to sleep but still her stubborn head cannot be changed. It was 2am when I finished settling my stuff and all then that was the time we can talk again. I was quite dramatic last night.. I couldn't fall into a deep sleep as she told me she's getting worse.. My gf got a serious case of gastric.. & every time she tells me she vomitted with blood again it breaks my heart.. makes me so upset & worried.. last night she cannot sleep too.. she didn't tell me she threw up alot that afternoon cuz she doesn't want me to get worried while i was at work. I didn't tell her that i was crying so much when she told me wut just happend.. I cannot get my fingers to type last night that i just cried and she asked if i'm ok... I should be the one asking her if she's ok... But i think I''m not too strong to hide my tears form her... A friend of her messaged me before,.. The doctor said that if she doesnt take care of her health,... I really don't wanna say it...I don't know wut i will do If i lost her.. I care for her so much & I love her that there's nothing i can do for her cuz of distance... I always pray for her to get better, & we promised each other we will meet up this year,. I'm always wanting to hug her.. but i can't.. It breaks my heart knowing that she's suffering too much.. I begin questioning God a lot about everything.. Why would a nice person should go through alot, why not just those bad ppl take all of these... I'm jst asking God to make her feel better.. give her long life to live, she deserves to be happy.. & I want her to be happy like always.. I never cared to anyone like i do now for her.. That sometimes i think about her more than i think about myself that I always remind her to eat on time, then i forgot I haven't taken mine XD... Im just wishing and praying that all the pain will go away.. I don't want her to feel this pain so much :'(... i woke up today dizzy.. & still thinking of her... I just want her to know how much I love her.. I want her to feel that she's special.. & she deserves a happy life without pain.. I wish I can take it all away for her.. I wish we just share the pain so she doesnt bear it all by herself... I pray to God that all the pain will be gone.... It's hard for me but I'm trying to be strong everyday, make her smile, make her laugh, make her happy make her feel my love.. That's all i want to do right now...



This is the longest time I haven't blogged in my blogging history.. O.O... I'm not quite sure wuts happening now with me. A lot of things actually is trying to knock me out from where I am standing now. Fair enuf life is treating me well but on the other hand I still needed to go through some rough circumstances... I thought I've learned a lot from my mistakes before but here I am still still running like a hamster on a wheel

I don't really like them but I guess from now on I got to learn to "COMPROMISE" D;... It's one of the issues im having right now.. Why do i have to like all the things she likes?? Do I have to play fake saying "of itsss sooo cute!!! >.<".. well infact i find them disgusting (im sorry for all the ppl who loves the creatures i will tell now).. first she got hamster, then porcupine or wutever it is i dnt remember but its spikey pet XD.. guinea pig, snakes, pythons, spiders (arachnids), tortoise... & today she was showing me all the pictures & i was all gross out from all the it & she got really pissed off of me... I was just being honest or maybe next time i'll be pretentious to say i like all those exotic pets! :'(..... I cannot promise myself to look at all the pets she has.. but I will try to be nice cuz she loves it.. I gotta learn to compromise as I also do to my previous lover... I hope i can easily love them but it's hard cuz it's all scary! D:... anyways when you love a person you will learn to love everything about him/her.. But there are times that it's really hard especially when you got alot of individual differences.. I'm just trying to figure this out how?... hey how? how? how? :D... until she forgives me from being gross out i guess i need to say ok fine i will love ur exotic pets!!.. Dx..... maybe i will.. Hopefully.... I just got to learn to love wut I hate about herrrrrrr....



How you wish the world would just stop from turning, how u wish your heart would just stop beating from loving someone. How many photo albums have you filled out from the past memories you had? Would you would want to rewind things from before or just wish to just stop the pain & make things gone? Or wish the time would just fast forward to get over to everything so that the next say you wake up you forget everything that happen? You are wishing that you can control things so everything will run smoothly & you can avoid your heart from hurting again.
I can't quite understand love now, or we just call it love to easily define things when we cry. To follow your heart or to comply with your mind? To do what is right or to go opposite the flow where you will be just selfish & hurt more people involve? When you just think about yourself when loving is called being selfish. When you let go of this love & you end up broken hearted is called sacrifice. To be selfish or to sacrifice? This is the question I am asking myself now. It's very easy to be selfish, but never easy to give up something you might lose for the rest of your life. I can't seem to think straight now, & I don't want to decide on things whenever I'm currently in the middle of this situation. I don't wanna hurt no one, but if I decide to sacrifice i do hope everything will be just fine. I wanted to take a break from all these things a long time ago, but it's like my life went to a circus town & i did play alot of juggling. I might just be paying back the times that I never been serious. I just cannot understand why I need to get through with such that is too much for me to handle.. -.-...The first blog of my year is awful but then I'm hoping it will get better... I'm hoping it will..   


I Just Can't Get Enough!

Hi! ;D.. Well the Chritmas is over so we only have few days left to spend for 2012! Goodbye goodbye 2012! Thanks for being soo good, thanks for being so rude! ;p... We weren't always on top & life sometimes is at the bottom of our feet but well wut can I say? It has been a really great year for all of us! We should have been really thankful cuz it was suupose to end but hey! we are still alive & kicking! :D... I bet all of us did out best this year & really haven't got enough of it. And guess wut!? In this blog I will still talk about love for the very last time this 2012! :D ~fireworks~

Aside from enjoying the holidays we are are currently thinking of our so called "New Years Resolution", I remember when i was a kid every year like no missed our teacher will ask us at the beginning of the year to write an essay titiled "MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION". Oh i got really sick of it cuz you have to think wut are the possible things you want to achieve in this new year. But as a kid I didn't really thought about it too much, but as u get older this new year's resolution is getting old & at the same time is getting complicated... There are soo many things so consider, your personal life, your career, your life's plan, your must haves which are material stuff & your love life -.-...

As you flip your book to a new chapter you will still try to look back on the previous chapter, wow it seems you cannot get over it.. or maybe, you cannot get over with this person. Oh Love is such a wonderful thing that it will eat you from  the inside & will drown you to the core O_O.. As much as you'd like to move on and get over it, U-Still-Can't!! O_O...

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on.” -tupac

Thanks Tupac for the quote, it's so true! :D You have this question on your mind.. Should I move on or drag you still on my 2013? It's hard to forget, especially if you were the one in the relationship who imagined to spend your life with him/her for forever... A lot of what-if's but I won't be helpful anymore cuz it's called PAST now. & wut hurts most is this.

Oh you gotta kill this feelings! :D It's not just hurting but each time you see her you feel this anguish! It was never easy I tell you,.. My short time on earth tells me so & I will experience more. It's like a very dramatic Asian Tele Novela that makes you cry everytime you watched it! :D.. You will just tell yourself "can someone please shoot me in the head & stop my agonizing pain!!!" crying is no use, u will just find yourself like you are making you own MTV :)))).. So take my advise.. Life is never easy, love is just everywhere so why so serious? (joker) :))).. DOn't search for love, let love find you! Don't rush, just sit back & relax like you are watching you fave movie ^_^.. don't watch too much dramas on t.v :)) it's not helpful.. better to watch zombie series where love doesn't exist :)))  Always be happy, life is too short to frown & eat the same thing everyday :)).. hate a lil & love so much! dream big & never hesitate to experience new things. Eat the food you love, drink beer everynight :)) Live one-step-at-a-time.. DOn't worry about life too much, let the problems solves itself & it will make life more cheerful! :D SO this 2013 lets start the year with the big smile! :D.. LETS GREET IT WITH A BIG WAVE AND SAY HI!! I'M SOO READY FOR YOU!! RAWR!!! :D 


The Love Cycle

I've talked to my friend a few days ago & I was comforting her from her recent broke up with her gf... Cuz of that & cuz of what I've been through as well I come up to this "LOVE CYCLE". Love is such a wonderful feeling especially the beginning part of it. What really sucks is the good bye part & we all know it. So let me lay down what I have found out :D

1. The meeting of two strangers
This is one of the exciting part, when you accidentally bumped into someone,. Talk a bit and yea this is the hi's & hello's stage.
2. Getting to know a stranger
It happens that u just don't like to stop talking to this person & u are so interested of knowing her until u feel something good O.O... & why are u flirting with her now?? XD
3. I like you! :D
You have alot ing common, u want to stick with her cuz u like talking with this person! U start to sleep less & less & u never notice the clock is ticking so fast... next thing u know it's morning & u don't have much time left to sleep :))... this will take for like ahmm a week of two until u tell her "hey... I LIKE YOUUU" ~blushes~
4. The Chase
& then she responded to your confessions, & said "ohh i likeee you toooo".. This giddy feeling will tickles u from head to foot & u will find yourself smiling wherever you are.. You will hear the birds chirping whenever u r walking outside.. all the grass are green & flowers are blooming. THIS IS MY FAVE PART I GUESS :D but then again it's just starting,,.. so next pls. :D
5. The feeling is mutual
from 'LIKE' to "OH YES I LOVE YOU!" XD... The part where u will ask her.. "will u be my....fuckmate?" oh wrong question :)) i mean "WILL U BE MY GF???" & then she said "YES YES YES!!!!".. like in a movies where all the confettis fell down on the ground! :D
6.Feelings Blooming
The time where you spend most of your time with her... like ur the only people in ur planet & no one else matters..
7.Going steadyy
where the relationship is running smooth & that's it :)))
8.Getting comfortable
You are both too comfortable with each other now, like you have talked about everything about yourselves, fart with each other, do gross stuffs & it doesnt even matter how u do it.. cuz you too comfortableee with each otherrr.
9. Rocky road
quarreling is the main subject most of the time.. & ur starting to hate each other,.
10. Tolerating
enduring all the fightings & hurtful words u will ever hear in ur life :)).. even the smallest thing is an issue.
11.The break-up
Both of you gives up, u hate everthing about this person!! like everythingggg... but this could happen in many ways.. could be you fell out of love or there's a 3rd party. who knows?? :)))
12. Saying Goodbye
Cry if you have to, u can even cry 24/7 if u want :)).. it's part of life.. people come & go so just accept it. :)

If you are meant for each other whichever path you take you will surely end up with this person. I believe in soulmates, I believe in destiny...  You can even say each time you break you heart that "LOVE SUCKS" but after awhile you will be surprised u r starting another LOVE CYCLE. It doesn't end.. pick your Fave part. but  I do hope all relationships should just stop at stage 6.. But sad to say, even a married couples that said their vows that they will love each other until the end of time never succeeded.. Sad but true.. Changes are always bound to happen & we should be always prepared for it. The important thing is you tried your best & you showed this important person how much you love him/her & if it didn't work out you will tell yourself that you've done ur best & cherish all these memories you had together... now tell me how you define love now... ^^.. LOVE is ____________...

'til next time! xoxo :****!


I Just Smile :)

It's been a week since I posted my last blog. Everyday I was like just starting up a few sentences & ended up nothing. The past week has a lot of things to tell but I cannot quite grab everything in one shot. I've been working so hard the past days & trying to focus on my career which I think is the right thing to do. I've been thinking a lot with what had happened to my life the previous months. It went like a roller coaster ride :), where I experienced to be extremely happy & it's counterpart which is extremely sad. But now I can simply smile about it :). Every Heart aches teaches us something & that makes us stronger & smarter. They say every person in our lives comes to be either a blessing or a lesson, so we shouldn't be keeping any hatred to our hearts & linger to such dark side of life. Although I still miss some moments I had before which I think is normal, I still learn to get by inch by inch & be happy to what I have now. When I look back, I just smile & remembers the happy feelings  I had before. I'm glad that I can do it, I didn't really know before how but Iam almost there... I heard this song (Korean song, which I always listened with cuz I love it ^^). It was like the story I've been through with, It was my past & I don't have any plans to go back to it. I'm closing that chapter of my life & hoping for a nice & exciting new chapter ^^.. Iam simply happy That  I'm kewl listening to such songs & tells myself "hey you did it!" XD.. Christmas is coming soon, I hope santa will give me a nice gift for being a "nice" girl XD... xoxo!


Say Bye to Sweet November

It's the last day of November! Time just fly like that & here we go ending the year soon. I haven't posted much blogs the past few days as there's not much happening with me too. It's kinda boring tho :D altho I'am enjoying the company of my friends & being single ^^. On the other side of life being single is fun & kinda light to handle.. But being in love still is the best ^^... While browsing some good music yesterday on youtube I found this really good cover. Most of the time the cover ones are better than the original & if u love the original you will love the cover better  :).. I can really relate to this song & I saw it as well to my parents. Iam an "almost" a product of a broken family but my parents decided to be together for us, their kids. I have 2 step brothers (my dad was a playboy those days & my step brothers has different moms XD ).. I admire my mom for being so forgiving to my dad & after those heart aches she chose to forget everything & forgive my dad which is the right thing to do.

Sometimes when you really love this person you choose to just close your eyes to all the things happening behind your back. It is so hurting that the person you love will kiss you & hug you while at the back of your mind you know he's'/she's hiding something from you.. At some point you will just think that you just don't wanna know but to carry on cuz you love this person.. At old times we call them "martyr" and these martyrs usually get their heads hung on the ropes or worse to get beheaded XD.. Martyrs that chose to just take everything even tho their heart is bleeding to death! :D... I'm not really a martyr but I'm a forgiver. I'm happy that despite all the things happened to my parents they still chose to love each other & brought us up as we are now.. As for me if ever I will have my own family I will never do such things, as I know the feeling of being cheated on & a broken family is not the best solution especially for the kids. I would choose to love a one single person only as God created me 1 heart :D... I won't of course do what my dad did, he was sorry for it & we forgave him a long time ago. I love him so much & he showed us how he was really changed himself for the better & he's a good father to us. But if you are being cheated on which is the painful part of loving, it's still up to you what to do. Leave & forget or Forgive & love again... your choice & consequences lies ahead ^^.. Much love to all! xoxo! :*

Florence Welch - I Don't Wanna Know (cover)

Heartbreaker Vs. Heartfixer

How to be a Heartbreaker:
• Make this person believe you're head-over-heels in love with her.
• Pretend you're pure & saying everything from the heart.
• Just have fun & never get too attached.
• If she is totally in love with you she will definitely be honest to her feelings >.< so pretend, be prepared & say u feel the same way for her. like ALWAYS...
• Be cheesy as much as possible, be the shakespeare of 2012 if u have to >..-Roses are red, violets are blue, here is my HEART & it says I LOVE YOU!-  ~sooo something like that~ >.>
• It's plain & easy, be FAKE
• When she begins to say "I don't know what to do if I lost you!" ~puppy eyes~. It's your go signal to run!
• The day after she told this, tell her you don't love her anymore then leave. ~walk away, never look back, shut the door like nothing happen~

When you do all these,  PRESTO! You are officially a heartbreaker! :D

How to be a Heartfixer:
After a heartbreak a person will run to someone who can mend their heart from all the craziness of love.
• Always be there for her no matter what!
• Be eager to listen even if the story never ends sit still & listen to all the dramas!
• The next day will be the same so u need to have a bigger ears for her.
• the next day after the other will pretty much be the same.. So just rub her back let her cry until she's dehydrated. Don't forget to offer her some water so she won't die from too much crying.
• When you think she's getting by & she started to say "I WILL FORGET HER!" support her feelings & tell her "yes you can do it without her!" >.<.... O_O
• She will then look for new love so stand tall & show her you like her! :D.. like first ok? chill & take it slow XD.
• Tell her how you feel >.>
• If she suddenly say she's not ready to love again tell her you will still be around! O.O (like her loyal dog)
• She will definitely notice you until she's ready to love again.
• Just always be honest & everything will fall in it's place.
• Just always be faithful & everything will fall in it's place. O.O

It's fun to be a Heartbreaker but it feels so human to be a Heartfixer... so which one are YOU?! :D

Marina & the Diamonds - How To Be A Heartbreaker


Maturity - The state or quality of being fully grown or developed.
It's really hard that you're always the one giving way to someone even tho u think they don't deserve it. But maturity strikes whenever u come to any tough decisions in your life. What's the basis of being matured? If you do silly things does it mean you're not matured enough? If you know what you are doing is wrong but you still do it does it mean you're immature? You see every actions has a consequences & I know each one of us knows that. I still believe that what you saw is what you reap. The reaping won't happen soon maybe, but it will in the right time. Only time can make a person matured, I mean I know im not matured enough but I know how to weigh things the way I think is right. And I'm not ashamed of that cuz I know & I'm confident enough that I am being just to my decisions.

Being happy is a choice, taking each circumstances positively or the other way around depends still on our decisions. A golden pot of gold is in front of you, still it's up to you what to do with it, either you take it or you leave it. But each decisions comes with a certain responsibilities. Taking responsibility means you're being accountable to whatever it is, & maturity depends on how you will deal with it. Knowledge doesn't come in one snap, it is acquired & gained from the experiences we had. We can't gain any new knowledge if we just stick on we currently have. I'm quite disappointed to some circumstances where maturity needs to set foot & we end up hurting someone else's feelings cuz of the stupidity of our minds. Silly things that we think is cool &  ok to do where in fact you don't know what this person is going through with.. I may not making any sense, well this applies not only for me but for us all who should be accountable to any actions we make.

Living this life made me always practice "emphaty", thinking before jumping to any decisions to whatever I wanna say or do.. Thinking & understanding of what others would feel before I do it. They say I have a kind heart but it's how my parents brought me up & I am happy I do. I didn't practice being so straight & be harsh to anyone around me as I don't want to hurt someone emotionally. Maturity takes a bunch of experiences, it may vary to each individuality. My point is, We should be responsible enough to all the choices we make. & remember that what goes around, comes around. I still hold on to these saying that "Do not do unto others what you do not want others to do unto you". Caring isn't a crime, so let's share more caring & love ^^. xoxo


I got no title for this blog to be honest & I'm getting annoyed to hear my boss' voice talking to client that i needed to turn my music on so loud into my ears.... I don't know but I feel sad today... It feels like I lost something permanently. It's my choice anyway & I thought about it million times before I jumped on doing it... It's the best thing to do for me or I will linger on it for a long time. I am happy to have friends online who can understand me. I mean I'm a closet lesbian & I don't think my real life friends would understand me.. I have few close friends whom I told about it but after that I don't know maybe we don't want to talk about it..

Anyways :D I gotta change my mood cuz I'm starting to get annoyed with myself haha.. Ok today we'll talk about love.. AGAIN?! :))) Yes u heard me right.. :D.. U wanna know THE TRUTH ABOUT LOVE? We'll I'm kinda sick looking for the truth too so just listen to this song (The truth about Love - Pink). I finished my work early today & i feel so productive.. I have never been this productive before O.O... I'm so Pinky-fied today & listened to her songs while  I was working.. I hope if ever i fall in love again my partner is not easy to give in & will fight for our love >.<.. & then we will both listen to this song (Just give me a reason - Pink) and the love story ends again, how sad is that? When you are about to give up but you really love this person, you will find a way to build it up again & let the love find it's way back to your hearts.. I'm not smart enough, I don't have much experience about love but I'm not really a fan of breaking someone's heart into pieces... Heart can forgive but the scars left cannot be easily healed... You can convince your mind you already forgive that person but trust? cannot be rebuild again... It's not easy for me to bring back the trust which has been broken.. Promises are made to be broken as they say, but how can u stop your heart to hold on to those promises when you believed in true love? True love is still unproven fact. Now it makes me wonder, love is not felt by our physical heart but everything is just in our minds.. Inside that brain on top of our head.. Heart is just a symbolical icon to represent love.. Now I'm starting to be anti-true love O.O.. enough.. I should shut up my F***!*g mouth XD... Anyways I'm going home now. True love is always around... learn to sense it :)))... Happy weekend! ^^ xoxo


Phlegmatic Thursday

I can't get up on my bed this morning.. I feel so sick & beaten up, my chest is still heavy & my head feels dizzy.. Been going to work the past 3 days even tho I don't feel really well.. My boss was calling me but I didn't answer since I got no voice at all.. So I sent him a message I can't make it today. But since he's an A-hole he keeps on insisting I should finish my urgent jobs cuz clients are waiting.. Told him to wait.. I Arrived to my office 3:15pm.. after my urgent jobs  I will definitely go home, don't  care anymore.. 

I went out of track last night to some unexpected happenings.  But now I feel so calm O.O.. Unemotional, which is so unusual... I met new people last night, but this girl caught my attention... She is the only first girl I've been so honest with that quickly, I mean she's easy to talk with, nice, funny & really smart. I find her really interesting & we both love talking like we've known each other for a long time... She's eager to listen to all my dramas but I think I should drop it cuz I might annoy her :)). I hope It all goes well for me. Like me, we both are humorous I laugh when I talk with her & I make her laugh too as she said she haven't laughed that much for a long time but i just did it ^^.. Maybe she's my cure, my personal doctor might be :P to forget my past.. We talked until it's morning for me & she got to study too with her 100 pages anatomy book XD so I let her go. So I waved & said goodbye doc.. Let me see what will happen, I'm looking forward to seeing her again. & I am happy I am learning to move on.. But I can't say this is already love.. I would love to take it slow & to know her better. Cuz I don't believe on love at first sight, could be just "like", but love? In just a matter of days? is impossible...

I remember the other night I had this dream, I was holding a car tire O.O then I researched about it's possible meaning & I got this (To see tires in your dream suggest that you are dwelling too much in the past and need to move on toward the future.) It suggest something I know my dreams never lies to me :)).. Last night I watched a medical show & it says that this medical case which i don' remember  is not curable but it is treatable.. Perhaps I can't be CURED 100% just yet but I can shift to someone who will TREAT me just right & focus on the future...Wish me luck^^. xoxo

Just like the old days ^^ I listen to this.. makes my mood feels good
Ready To Love Again - Lady Antebellum

Love withdrawal

I am a love believer ever since cuz it's the most wonderful thing to feel. It's a great feeling to fall in love but hard to forget it when u got hurt. Music helps me a lot to move on. I listen to same songs & look for new ones that I think would help me better. It happens I clicked to this song on youtube today & realized something. It hits me bulls eye & thought about it while I smoke awhile back... Everyone goes through this part of life, I know I am not the only one. I found this song so true, the lyrics says it all. A part of it goes like this:

First, you think the worst is a broken heart 
What's gonna kill you is the second part 
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle 
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself 
Fifth, you see them out with someone else 
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have messed up a little.

I'm going to take a Love withdrawal starting today & remove myself to my social network for awhile. I think it would greatly help me not just my heart but to take sometime for myself too. I was trying to divert myself to something else but still it doesn't help. I tried to go back to my reading habbit but my mind is still somewhere else. Then just now I accidentally typed tried to tired :D.. Should I keep on trying? or I'm tired of trying? I know I made a promise to someone that I will still stay cool & be ok with us to keep intouch. Man I cannot do it! It's like I'm cheating myself. It's like I'm blind folded, shut down this part of me & just go on. It's like I stepped on a dog's s**t, removed it & I continue walking.. It still stinks & I can still smell it (pardon my grossness). My 1st one did hurt, the second one is a million times painful. The 3rd one? I don't know, I hate surprises. It could be certainly bad or good, but who knows after my 3rd I'll just get back to being straight :)). But not ready for that 3rd love too & I don't know If I should continue it as well. It's like a trial & error experiment or a lucky draw. You get lucky good for u, you got nothing oh that sucks. You lose a lot that is like suicide :)). & I don't wanna go on suicidal thingy cuz I am not like that. It's All's well that ends well, a lot of things happen to me some are good some are not but it's the ingredients of life. Maybe I'm doing this out of desperation or maybe I'm just getting tired of it. Shifting my head to another perspective & I realized my six degrees of separation. Wish me luck ^^ xoxo

I will still listen to this tho..
The script - Six Degrees of Separation

1-20 of 25 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I don't know what to do..., posted August 17th, 2014
LDR, posted January 13th, 2014
Moonlight, posted January 9th, 2014
Mind Over Matter, posted August 10th, 2013
Letting Go, posted July 28th, 2013
Frendship Lost, posted March 27th, 2013
How I Hate it now, posted January 16th, 2013
Wishful Thinking, posted January 14th, 2013
Killing me softly, posted January 14th, 2013
Compromise, posted January 14th, 2013
Breaktime!!!, posted January 2nd, 2013
I Just Can't Get Enough!, posted December 25th, 2012
The Love Cycle, posted December 19th, 2012
I Just Smile :), posted December 6th, 2012
Say Bye to Sweet November, posted November 29th, 2012
Heartbreaker Vs. Heartfixer, posted November 26th, 2012
Unmellowed, posted November 25th, 2012
Untitled, posted November 23rd, 2012
Phlegmatic Thursday, posted November 22nd, 2012
Love withdrawal, posted November 19th, 2012
A letter for my best friend, posted November 19th, 2012
Anything Could Happen, posted November 18th, 2012
I can try, posted November 18th, 2012
Agonizing Pain, posted November 15th, 2012
Reclaimed Love, posted November 5th, 2012

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